Chicken, Cheetos and Cars...
I can honestly say there is no other way I'd rather spend my night!
OBVIOUSLY I'm very fascinating! ;)
Friday, September 28, 2012
Date Night
It's Friday night. I have a HOT DATE!
Chicken, Cheetos and Cars...
I can honestly say there is no other way I'd rather spend my night!
OBVIOUSLY I'm very fascinating! ;)
Chicken, Cheetos and Cars...
I can honestly say there is no other way I'd rather spend my night!
OBVIOUSLY I'm very fascinating! ;)
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
A happy heart and a toilet bowl
Our family attends a church plant and we have a small congregation. Each family takes a month and is in charge of making sure the church building is clean. It's not a big building, but it's a great chance to help serve our church as a family. I love this - and I pray we continue to do it this way even as we grow. It is the perfect opportunity to teach our children about sacrifice and being a good steward of what we've been given.
All that being said- I'm not always grateful or even thankful to have to clean. Especially bathrooms. And even more so toilets.
Today William and I went to the church to clean and tidy things up. He is only 20 months old and I often take for granted the things he can do or that I can teach him. He has watched and "helped" me clean around our house and as I went to the bathroom to clean he was adamant to scrub the toilets.
He wanted me at the counters and not to disturb his work.
I figured this was a "teachable moment" and I started explaining to him why we were doing this - it was a way we could worship and serve God.
William didn't care that he was doing a less than desirable job-he was happy to do it (yes he was probably more excited to be near water) but regardless of the reason he did it...and smiled and giggled the whole time.
Watching my not quite two year old work so happily brought on some conviction to this momma. I often complain and fuss about having to do things and cleaning is one of those things that make me fuss. A lot.
God commands us to do things for the glory of God, to do things without complaining or grumbling, and to do things with a cheerful heart.
God used a toilet bowl and a little boy to teach me how to serve Him. He's that powerful!
All that being said- I'm not always grateful or even thankful to have to clean. Especially bathrooms. And even more so toilets.
Today William and I went to the church to clean and tidy things up. He is only 20 months old and I often take for granted the things he can do or that I can teach him. He has watched and "helped" me clean around our house and as I went to the bathroom to clean he was adamant to scrub the toilets.
He wanted me at the counters and not to disturb his work.
I figured this was a "teachable moment" and I started explaining to him why we were doing this - it was a way we could worship and serve God.
William didn't care that he was doing a less than desirable job-he was happy to do it (yes he was probably more excited to be near water) but regardless of the reason he did it...and smiled and giggled the whole time.
Watching my not quite two year old work so happily brought on some conviction to this momma. I often complain and fuss about having to do things and cleaning is one of those things that make me fuss. A lot.
God commands us to do things for the glory of God, to do things without complaining or grumbling, and to do things with a cheerful heart.
God used a toilet bowl and a little boy to teach me how to serve Him. He's that powerful!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Life Lately
I remember leaving my daddy's funeral thinking how crazy life was...mine was forever changed, but the following day people would resume their "normal" day. Life would go on.
We are trying to find our new "normal" around here. Life goes on...but we are forever changed. For that, I am so very thankful. It means we have 2 children, William has a sister and we are a family of 4.
I was reminded this morning in the Word that we plan our path, but God determines our steps. That's powerful, humbling and comforting. His mercies are new every morning and He gives joy in the midst of the most painful moments.
One of the biggest joys we've been given comes in a 27 pound bundle of energy. The package has tons of scratches and bruises, but the inside is the sweetest, rowdiest brown eyed beauty. Yes, he's a beauty to this momma!
He's growing up...fast. He will sit and run trains along the train track. He will push cars and trucks down the hallway, accompanied by the funniest "vroom" sound. He drives Molly and Grey nuts and thinks it's hilarious to chase them. He has mastered the art of moving his Mickey Train at top speeds and in tight spaces, he knows which remote and button controls the tv and loves to hide...especially when he has gotten into something that involves a "no no." He keeps us laughing, smiling, running and of course scratching our head as on how to parent this little dynamite!
Right now it's nap time, and I hear a truck roaring and a Buzz Lightyear spitting his infamous phrases...
I'm a tired momma. I am a thankful momma.
I will let the pictures tell the rest...while I go take care of "nap time."
We are trying to find our new "normal" around here. Life goes on...but we are forever changed. For that, I am so very thankful. It means we have 2 children, William has a sister and we are a family of 4.
I was reminded this morning in the Word that we plan our path, but God determines our steps. That's powerful, humbling and comforting. His mercies are new every morning and He gives joy in the midst of the most painful moments.
One of the biggest joys we've been given comes in a 27 pound bundle of energy. The package has tons of scratches and bruises, but the inside is the sweetest, rowdiest brown eyed beauty. Yes, he's a beauty to this momma!
He's growing up...fast. He will sit and run trains along the train track. He will push cars and trucks down the hallway, accompanied by the funniest "vroom" sound. He drives Molly and Grey nuts and thinks it's hilarious to chase them. He has mastered the art of moving his Mickey Train at top speeds and in tight spaces, he knows which remote and button controls the tv and loves to hide...especially when he has gotten into something that involves a "no no." He keeps us laughing, smiling, running and of course scratching our head as on how to parent this little dynamite!
Right now it's nap time, and I hear a truck roaring and a Buzz Lightyear spitting his infamous phrases...
I'm a tired momma. I am a thankful momma.
I will let the pictures tell the rest...while I go take care of "nap time."
Blowing Henley kisses...
A Precious Daddy
There are words that you hear in life and you remember them for a few minutes, hours, days, maybe even weeks. Then there are words that will forever change you...you remember them a lifetime.
The day after Henley had passed we were on our way home from Montgomery and I was simply numb. Everything seemed a blur, surreal almost. Bryant and I were discussing her funeral arrangements and he matter of fact said - I want to speak. It took me by surprise, looking back it shouldn't have, and I just said "Really?" His next words, along with the words he spoke that day, will be the words that I remember for a lifetime...
He told me it was duty as a father and a husband. He knew he was accountable for our family and there were things he needed to say. It was his daughter's funeral and he wanted and needed to thank our Father for what He had given us. I just nodded. I knew it was in his heart and I knew he needed to do it.
For those things he said and for a million other reasons, I love this man. He desires to lead our family and God has graciously grown him to be a man who I would follow all the days of my life.
Honored is what I am...just to be HIS wife.
The precious words that came out of his mouth the day we buried our little girl, were words of praise spoken from a thankful heart.
I want to remember them. Forever.
I am blessed.
The day after Henley had passed we were on our way home from Montgomery and I was simply numb. Everything seemed a blur, surreal almost. Bryant and I were discussing her funeral arrangements and he matter of fact said - I want to speak. It took me by surprise, looking back it shouldn't have, and I just said "Really?" His next words, along with the words he spoke that day, will be the words that I remember for a lifetime...
He told me it was duty as a father and a husband. He knew he was accountable for our family and there were things he needed to say. It was his daughter's funeral and he wanted and needed to thank our Father for what He had given us. I just nodded. I knew it was in his heart and I knew he needed to do it.
For those things he said and for a million other reasons, I love this man. He desires to lead our family and God has graciously grown him to be a man who I would follow all the days of my life.
Honored is what I am...just to be HIS wife.
The precious words that came out of his mouth the day we buried our little girl, were words of praise spoken from a thankful heart.
I want to remember them. Forever.
Let those who have eyes to
see…let them see,
Let those who have ears to
hear…let them hear,
Let those who have hearts to
understand…let them understand,
And Rejoice in our God with me!
Heavenly Father,
Blessed be your name! May our
hearts be filled with your praises and may those praises overflow from our lips
to you, Oh God our King! We will praise you, Oh God, for your faithfulness. We
will sing praises to you, Oh Holy One of Israel. Our lips will shout for joy,
when we sing praises to you; our soul also, which you have redeemed. Our tongue
will talk of your righteous help all the day long.
Father,
It was YOU who blessed us with a
beautiful daughter in Henley Brooke.
It was YOU who revealed Henley’s
condition to us. Through her condition you reminded us all of our own
condition. We are helpless creatures and utterly dependent on you. You reminded
us of the Garden and how Adam turned away from you and he turned to himself.
Romans tells us, just as sin came into the world through one man (Adam) and
death through sin, so death spread to all men because ALL sinned. Because we have
turned away from you, Oh God, and we have turned to ourselves, a curse has been
put on all creation; thus the reason for natural disasters, diseases, illness, suffering,
and ultimately death. But Oh God! You being rich in mercy, have lavished your
love on us, in that while we were still sinners you sent your son, Jesus Christ
as a perfect sacrifice, for the sins of those who will repent and believe in
Him. Oh God! You are good! You have provided the way out of the curse and it is
through your resurrected Son, who said I am the way, the truth, and the life
and no one can come to the Father except through me. The resurrected Christ,
our King, now sits at your right hand and you have given him all authority in
heaven, on earth and under the earth. You tell us that this is eternal life
that we may know you, the only true God and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.
Father, you called Whitney and I
to be Henley’s parents.
It was You who laid our path out
for us. It was You who gave us the grace to walk it. You have sustained us and
have guided us in the way of everlasting. You have not let our feet swerve to
the right or to the left, but you have kept our eyes on Christ.
In your time, you answered our
questions…
Where Henley would be born.
How Whitney would deliver her.
What type of care Henley would
need.
You caused us to be patient and
in your faithfulness you answered your children’s questions.
It was you Oh God, who was the
light on the shoreline, guiding us in as the storm caused the waves to crash
into my family’s ship. It was you Oh God, when the path was dark and we
couldn’t see, it was your word that was a light unto our feet and a lamp unto
our path.
You reminded us of what you told
Joshua as he led the Israelites into the promise land. Be strong and
courageous, do not fear or be dismayed for I have gone before you and I am with
you.
It was you who reminded us in the
Psalms that we are continually with you. You hold our right hand. You guided us
with your counsel. Whom do we have in heaven but you? And there is nothing on
earth that we desire besides you. Our flesh and our heart may fail, but you Oh
God are the strength of our heart and our portion forever.
As for me and my family, it is
good for us to be near you Oh God. We have made you our refuge and we will tell
of all your works.
It was you Oh God who awakened my
wife in the early morning of Henley’s birth. You brought her before your
throne. You spoke to her through your word. You filled her with the power of
your Holy Spirit. You calmed her and gave her peace, when we had no idea if
Henley would take a breath or not.
That day, Henley’s birthday, it
was you who breathed air into her nostrils and allowed us to hear her cry. It
was you who allowed her heart to beat. You brought her to us.
That day we will never forget.
You gave it to us and we celebrated the work you had done. Blessed be your name
Oh God! Thank you for Henley’s Birthday.
In the days after her birth, it
was you that allowed us to hold her hand, rub her cheeks, sing to her, pray
with her, read to her and hold her.
It was you Oh God who guided the
doctors and nurses with her care. They were your instruments and you played
them well. Father, thank you for them.
It was you who numbered Henley’s
days and it was you who gave us wisdom and discernment on when to say goodbye.
Father, you were there with us as
we held our daughter and you took her to be with you. Oh to imagine what she
saw as we whispered in her ear that she would see your glory and our King. For
behold, Christ our King makes all things new.
Father, may we, who are left
behind long for our eternal inheritance to come; but while we are here may we
live as Christ, in complete submission to Him, knowing and being confident in
this, that physical death is our gain and our new beginning with Christ our
Lord, as we get to see his face, his glory and be with him for all eternity.
Father may we long for the return
of Christ our King. As we look forward to what John saw and wrote in
Revelations…Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and
the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy
city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride
adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,
“behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and
they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He
will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither
shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things
have passed away.” And he who is seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am
making all things new.” Also he said, “write this down, for these words are
trustworthy and true.” And he said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the
Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of
the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this
heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son.”
Oh Father, we long for that day. When
sin and the curse will be no more, and all will be made right and we, your
people, your children, will be with our God.
Father, it is your love
It is your peace
It is your comfort
It is your joy
It is faith and hope that you
have given to us. You have opened our eyes that we may see. You have opened our
ears that we may hear. You have opened our hearts and given us understanding
through the grace of your Son.
So not to us Oh Lord, but to your
name be the Glory!
Father! We come here today to
worship you and offer our thanksgiving! Thank you for the fruit of the womb a
reward! Thank you, Father, for my precious daughter, Henley Brooke Yarbrough,
for through her you have pointed us to Christ.
In Jesus Name, Amen!
These two pictures are two of my most favorite pictures. It shows how deeply my sweet husband loves and how honored he is to be a daddy.
He brought roses from our rose bush. He made sure there was one from us all.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
A month of firsts...
I really can't believe it's been a month. Four weeks ago I laid eyes on the most beautiful little girl...it was quite simply one of the best days of my life.
It has been the hardest month I may ever have to face.
I remember William's first month...learning how to be a momma, sleepless nights, and lots of "firsts" -first bath, first bottle, first smile...I remember thinking it was the hardest but sweetest month of my life.
This first month is just...different. We had several firsts- but it wasn't firsts we wanted to have. We never wanted to have to pick out her headstone, never wanted to spend days in the NICU nor did we want to do the unthinkable and bury our baby.
The feeling that I had with William's first month remains...the hardest but yet the sweetest.
I know that may seem hard to grasp- I think many will never know and I pray that those who are walking in my shoes will feel the same.
Time seems to go so fast the older I get. I am thankful for it means that eternity is within the near future. My sweet one is seeing Glory today and my hope is in that one day I will join her.
I have missed so many of the sweet firsts with Henley and my heart aches often thinking about my little girl, but on this day...I REJOICE!
The little firsts that I miss will fade away...her eternity with Him won't!
So today I simply thank God for one of the sweetest blessings...
In ALL things, whether it's picking out a headstone or cleaning up a sick child, I will REJOICE!
It has been the hardest month I may ever have to face.
I remember William's first month...learning how to be a momma, sleepless nights, and lots of "firsts" -first bath, first bottle, first smile...I remember thinking it was the hardest but sweetest month of my life.
This first month is just...different. We had several firsts- but it wasn't firsts we wanted to have. We never wanted to have to pick out her headstone, never wanted to spend days in the NICU nor did we want to do the unthinkable and bury our baby.
The feeling that I had with William's first month remains...the hardest but yet the sweetest.
I know that may seem hard to grasp- I think many will never know and I pray that those who are walking in my shoes will feel the same.
Time seems to go so fast the older I get. I am thankful for it means that eternity is within the near future. My sweet one is seeing Glory today and my hope is in that one day I will join her.
I have missed so many of the sweet firsts with Henley and my heart aches often thinking about my little girl, but on this day...I REJOICE!
The little firsts that I miss will fade away...her eternity with Him won't!
So today I simply thank God for one of the sweetest blessings...
In ALL things, whether it's picking out a headstone or cleaning up a sick child, I will REJOICE!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
It is Well with My Soul
I have had several people ask me if I was going to finish Henley's story...my hope is that this is not the end of her story, but yet just the beginning. My prayer is that her nieces and nephew's grandchildren will be affected by her story. So I am not finishing it, it's not mine to finish - but His, but I am going to write just a chapter.
I am humbled that someone other than my mom or grandmother reads this blog. I started it, never thinking that anyone besides my family would read it. It is my heart, my outlet and my way to remember all that I never put in a journal or a baby book. I am in awe that God chose my little family, my blog and my baby girl to bring people to Him - we are not worthy, but we are grateful...so to HIM be the GLORY!
Wednesday, August 8th, will be a day that forever changed mine and Bryant's life. It is a day that, for as long as I live, I will remember every detail...every second...every little noise. It was the day God graciously gave us what we had prayed for...in so many ways.
Tuesday we had our pre-op appointment at the hospital and we decided to just spend the night in Montgomery since we had to get up so early to be at the hospital by 5am. I remember thinking that night that I probably wouldn't get much sleep - between being horribly uncomfortable in any position, heartburn and the uncertainty of what the next day would hold - I thought for sure I would watch the minutes tick by on the clock. I tried my hardest to fall asleep and I did. At 3am I woke up, and I mean I was wide awake. Over the past week during my sleepless nights, I had spent some sweet time in the Word and prayer. On Monday night/morning I had actually written down several verses that I could pray over and just think about. Wednesday morning I knew that I had been wide awake for a reason - I needed to get my mind and my heart prepared for what that day was to hold. We were in a hotel, and I didn't want to wake Bryant - so I spent the next hour on the bathroom floor reading, crying and praying. It was probably one of the sweetest times I've ever had with my sweet Savior. He met me where I was and I knew He was going to hold me that day - wherever He decided to take me. I was ready. Bryant got up a little while later and the only thing I could really tell him was those three words... I am ready.
We got to the hospital, and we prayed before we walked in. It was a moment that stood still for me. I knew we were going in to have a baby - I just didn't know how we would leave. The nurses got me ready and we had a little while to just wait before I was scheduled to go back for surgery. Dr. Waller arrived early so he could pray with Bryant and me and answer any last questions we had. I remember him grabbing my hand, kissing my forehead and saying "let's go have a baby girl." My thoughts were the same...
We had a waiting room full of the most amazing family and friends - all ready to hold us up regardless of what the day brought. I later found out that Dr. Waller went out and prayed with them before he came to the operating room. Amazing man, amazing doctor. I remember getting my spinal and shortly after Henley's sweet daddy entering the room and taking his place by my side. He held my hand and kept his face within inches of mine, telling me that he loved me and was proud of me. Dr. Waller told us earlier that morning that once he started Henley would be out within 10-15 minutes. Those were quite possibly the longest 10 minutes of my life. When we finally heard she was out, they asked Bryant if he wanted to see her - he stood up and all I remember him saying is that she was BEAUTIFUL. I quickly asked if she was crying...it was all I wanted to know, she could have had 4 legs and I still would have thought she was beautiful, but I wanted more than anything to hear her cry. He later told me that she was blue when he saw her -(they wanted the Neonatologist and NICU nurses to do all the care for Henley so they didn't do anything to suction her out). Bryant sat back down, and we waited as they carefully handed her off to her doctors and nurses, and we waited to hear the sound we had longed to hear.
She cried. She cried! SHE CRIED!! In a room full of 18 people, with an oxygen mask on, I heard her...and all I could do was cry too. God was faithful to get me ready for that day...and then He began to just pour out His blessings.
She arrived feisty. I couldn't help but smile as they wheeled her past me on the way to the NICU - all I saw was a head FULL of dark hair (oh the heartburn became all worth it!) and all I could hear was the sweet squeal of a cry. She had taken her first breath and had proved that God holds her little body and breathes life as He chooses. After Dr. Waller had finished, I was sent to recovery. Henley's Neonatologist, Dr. Whittington, came in and told Bryant and I that she was breathing - she was having some trouble and needed some oxygen - but she was breathing! PRAISE THE LORD! He was a fantastic doctor and even more precious man! He wanted all of the family to get to see her - despite the NICU rules of 2 at a time. Bryant left to go be the proud daddy and show the world our little girl...all I could do (besides shake fiercely from the spinal) was pray an endless prayer of thanksgiving. We later found out that Dr. Waller said in all his years of delivering babies it was the easiest c-section he had ever done - he said that normally there is lots of pulling and tugging (which we were concerned would break more of Henley's bones) but she literally slipped out and there were no new fractures. His hands had been held by the GREAT PHYSICIAN... He kept pouring out His blessings.
I finally got to leave recovery and they wheeled my into the NICU on the way to my room. I was in awe, not only of how many wires and cords hung off my baby, but also of the most perfect little girl that lay before me. Her legs were both bent upwards, her arms were swollen around the fractures and she had tube blowing oxygen into her body - but to me she was perfect in every way. She had the thickest, darkest head of hair (that would later that night hold the tiniest pink bow). She had the biggest brown eyes that stared right back into mine. She had the tiniest little body that defied odds. She had the biggest fight of a 5 pound baby I have ever seen. She looked like her daddy and I am afraid to say acted like her momma. The nurses laughed as I told them that I prayed she would be feisty. They quickly said that prayer had been answered!
We lived life with Henley the next 7 days. It was a whirlwind, but it was life nonetheless! We would stay for most of the day and night at her little bed...we would read, sing, pray, talk and just cuddle and love on her little hands/feet and head. She had so many visitors each day, and it was our joy to bring them in the NICU and introduce them to our daughter. We saw God work not only in the life of our daughter but in the life of our family. Bryant and I learned a new meaning to living out our faith - it became easy to talk about God, share our faith and spread the love of God with the people we spent these 8 days with...some we knew, some we didn't.
We have always trusted that God is faithful to answer prayers - it may not look like we prayed it to look, it may not be in our timing or we may never see it answered - but we know He hears and according to His will, He answers. God was so sweet and gracious to let us see so many of our prayers answered over that week, some of which happened in the matter of hours! Because of Henley's fractures and the OI disease, she had extremely hard vein access - Dr. Whittington told us that is was crucial that they get a more permanent IV line in her, and they were having trouble doing so. We left and immediately went back to our room and we got everyone in our room to pray that the sweet nurse practitioner's hands would be guided and that the PICC line would go in...2 hours later we got the call that it had gotten in! Tracey, the nurse practitioner, had tears in her eyes when we went to thank her and told us it was the Lord's hands. The day she was born, she was needing more and more oxygen and they decided that they needed to put her on the vent. Over the next 2 days her settings were being decreased and we daily prayed that she would be able to come off the vent...Friday she came off! She stayed off the vent and went on the C-PAP which gave her oxygen, but allowed her to do more breathing on her own.
God proved that He had created a fighter, when He formed Henley. She fought and she fought hard. With so many broken bones and having to stay on morphine almost around the clock - it was more than her little body could take. We watched as she labored to breathe and it broke our hearts when we saw her grimace with pain. There is no words to describe how hard it is to watch your child hurt with pain, and not be able to do a thing about it. Her CO2 levels kept rising, we think because she was not able to get deep breaths - probably due to the 4-5 broken ribs on each side and the other broken bones. Her levels had really fluctuated and we had to have some tough conversations about what would happen if she had to be put back on the vent. Dr. Bonner had just come on as the doctor for the week - she is the amazing woman of God we had initially met with and fell in love with - and she wanted to make sure that our wishes were being honored. It was a hard conversation to have...with everything in us we wanted to fight and fight hard, but we knew if we had exhausted every mean to help her and she still needed to be on the vent...she would become vent dependent and we would be prolonging what God had willed for her little life. Some of the hardest words I think I will ever hear in my life are - your child is not compatible with life. It hurts. Bad. Bryant and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that we didn't want to hurt her - but having those brown eyes stare at you as you sing a song and a little fragile finger grip your pinky tight - it's hard to let go...
A week after she was born, I had received more of God's blessings. I got to hold my little girl for the first time. Due to her fragile bones, she laid on a pillow, but it was the sweetest moment that I have forever taken for granted...the ability to hold your child. I rocked her and held her for three hours, and those big beautiful brown eyes stayed opened and watched me the whole time. If only I could know what she was thinking or if I could have made sure she understood just how much those three hours meant, and together with her brother, she had made me the happiest momma in the world. In those three hours I felt love like I had never known.
Thursday morning came, and her levels were still all over the place. Dr. Bonner let William come in and see Henley for the first time and it was the first and last time that our family was together...all four of us. There were so many emotions that flooded me when I watched my oldest meet my youngest. My little boy saw his sister - the one he had kissed and hit :) so many times in my tummy. It was the sweetest of moments for me as their mommy. In a matter of seconds I saw him protecting her as she went off to school, I saw them fighting over the last cookie, and I saw them both curled up in their daddy's lap as he prayed over them before bed. God was gracious to allow me to have my family together - even if it were for mere minutes.
Bryant and I had gone to lunch to clear our minds and talk. During that conversation, Bryant talked about how Paul had lived his life. For Paul, to die was gain, and to live was to live under the authority and Lordship of Christ. We talked about how this took on a whole new meaning in our new found life. We had no idea of how close this would become to us as we walked back into the NICU. Our prayer was that we would have wisdom and discernment for every step and decision we had to make with Henley. We prayed that we would know when to keep fighting and when to let go. We met with Dr. Bonner after lunch and it was the meeting we had dreaded. We had exhausted all means...we had to decide to keep fighting or to let go. We were sick and we were hurting. When your flesh says fight and your soul says let her go to her Father...that's where we were. Bryant called our family and our elders at our church - we wanted and were given some amazing biblical counsel.
I remember Bryant singing "It is Well with My Soul" when he got out of the shower that morning...he is always singing something, but for some reason it had been on my mind, and I guess my heart, all day. I thought about that song when we made the decision and told Dr. Bonner that we would do comfort care if she needed to be put on the vent. I feel the need to stop and just tell how amazing Dr. Bonner was for us in these darkest and hardest moments we will ever face as parents. She not only gave us sweet and encouraging words, she gave us advice as a God fearing woman and mother. She held our hands, walked beside us, cried with us, prayed with us and helped us love our little girl all the days of her little life. As we were talking to her, the last blood gas levels came in - 60 is usually when they put them on the vent, 35-45 is where they wanted Henley's to be. Her level came in at 78...I remember Bryant calling out "Father" as my eyes had filled with tears...HE had given us our answer....yet another prayer He answered in His time. We had been given wisdom and discernment - and we knew that our little girl was going to the Kingdom and would soon see Glory!
Next to being chosen to carry Henley for 9 months, the next greatest honor I have, as her mother, was to hold her as she passed. It was the hardest thing I know I will ever do - and yet I can honestly say it was best. To know she left my arms and entered in to her Father's will be something I hold on to for all the days I live. We sang to her, prayed over her, and talked to her just as we had when she came into this world. She was surrounded by her family and the most precious family we have gained in the NICU. Again - He poured out His blessings...in big ways.
We left the hospital that night forever changed. We walked out hand in hand and got into the car, I got in the front seat and there was an empty carseat in the back. It was not the way I wanted to leave - but I am convinced His ways are not our ways. They are far better.
Henley's funeral was one of the most worshipful moments I have ever experienced - it was exactly what we wanted from the moment we found out something was not "normal" with this pregnancy. We wanted Christ to be exhausted, to be Glorified and His people to come to know Him. I remember someone saying to me how sorry they were - as I looked at my baby girl in a casket that is smaller than it should be - I said "it's ok, God is still good." Their reply was "How can you say that?" I was quickly caught off guard, but I have thought about that moment so much in the past 2 weeks. So, how can I say my God is still good?
He is good because He gave me a daughter.
He is good because He gave us 8 days, when we thought we would have none.
He is good because He gave us a little boy as our first child - a joy in the midst of the suffering.
He is good because He brought family and friends to us and through them showed us love, sacrifice and how He provides in all ways.
He is good because He made my marriage to the man of my dreams so much sweeter. He allowed this man to grow to lead our family in the darkest of valleys.
He is good because He allowed us to be in the best care of the most compassionate and caring doctors and nurses.
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY -
He is good because through Christ dying on the cross - we have life everlasting. We turned from Him, and because of that I saw my daddy and my daughter die in one years time...I saw a hurricane wreck havoc on families this week...I've seen cancer and Osteogensis Imperfecta come into bodies and destroy them...oh the curse! He is good because He is the one that took the punishment of my sin and carried it for me on the cross. He is good because He allows me to have a relationship with Him in eternity when I deserve His wrath and separation for all eternity. He is good because He has promised He will return and make all things new, a new heaven and a new earth. He is good because all He requires is repentance and for His children to believe.
He is good because my daddy is cancer free and my daughter has the most perfect bones.
This has been one of the most incredible journeys we have ever been on. The sweetest of times and the toughest of times. We have learned what it means to have utter dependence on Him. Our hands have been tied in so many tight knots that we couldn't imagine getting them undone to do anything - in the meantime, our sweet Lord has perfectly orchestrated every second of every day with one delicate move of His perfect hands. We can look back over the past several months and see how a portion of the big picture has played out - His handprints are all over it. My precious friend told me one time that it's like we are looking at a parade - we see one float at a time, but He sees the beginning and the end. Praise God He does and I am thankful that we don't! I keep thinking back to the day Henley passed - Dr. Bonner was the doctor on call and stayed the whole time, and our 2 most favorite nurses were the ones that were caring for Henley on her last day...God's handprints all over it!
I want you to know that this has been hard...I cry often and I cry a lot. When I look at pictures that we've hung around our house, or I see the most amazing slideshow that a precious friend took - I sometimes just weep. My heart hurts when someone brings food over and I only can show them pictures of our beautiful daughter. I long to hold her, to bathe her, to put her pink bow back in her hair and sing to her. However, there is an empty cradle and a piece of my heart that will forever be gone.
While I miss her every day - I can't help but to rejoice in what we've been given. In 8 days, Henley accomplished her purpose on earth - she lived to bring Him glory. She brought people to their knees and souls to the Kingdom. She reminded her daddy and I that through our suffering we should be pointed to Christ...and we were.
Bryant and I went to the beach the weekend after her funeral - we needed a chance to rest and a place to clear our minds. I was sitting on the beach when Bryant told me to look up - there was the cutest little girl running in the sand, she was probably around 2. I remember thinking immediately about Henley. I would long to see her play in the sand next summer with William, I would always long to put her hair in pigtails, to pack her lunch in a pink lunchbox, to buy her first doll or even her wedding dress. I would long to have the relationship with her that I have with my mom...
In the midst of those longings - God soothes my soul. He has reminded me she will always be William's sister, she will always be the first granddaughter, she will always be a precious niece, and she will always be our first baby girl...
Yet, she is where we long to be...safe in the arms of the One who knitted her together in the secret places and numbered her days long before the foundation of the world.
Praise be to Him!
These are the links to the amazing pictures my sweet friend took on the two most precious days of our lives!
http://candacenelsonphotography.myshowit.com/henleysbirth
http://candacenelsonphotography.myshowit.com/henleyyarbrough
I am humbled that someone other than my mom or grandmother reads this blog. I started it, never thinking that anyone besides my family would read it. It is my heart, my outlet and my way to remember all that I never put in a journal or a baby book. I am in awe that God chose my little family, my blog and my baby girl to bring people to Him - we are not worthy, but we are grateful...so to HIM be the GLORY!
Wednesday, August 8th, will be a day that forever changed mine and Bryant's life. It is a day that, for as long as I live, I will remember every detail...every second...every little noise. It was the day God graciously gave us what we had prayed for...in so many ways.
Tuesday we had our pre-op appointment at the hospital and we decided to just spend the night in Montgomery since we had to get up so early to be at the hospital by 5am. I remember thinking that night that I probably wouldn't get much sleep - between being horribly uncomfortable in any position, heartburn and the uncertainty of what the next day would hold - I thought for sure I would watch the minutes tick by on the clock. I tried my hardest to fall asleep and I did. At 3am I woke up, and I mean I was wide awake. Over the past week during my sleepless nights, I had spent some sweet time in the Word and prayer. On Monday night/morning I had actually written down several verses that I could pray over and just think about. Wednesday morning I knew that I had been wide awake for a reason - I needed to get my mind and my heart prepared for what that day was to hold. We were in a hotel, and I didn't want to wake Bryant - so I spent the next hour on the bathroom floor reading, crying and praying. It was probably one of the sweetest times I've ever had with my sweet Savior. He met me where I was and I knew He was going to hold me that day - wherever He decided to take me. I was ready. Bryant got up a little while later and the only thing I could really tell him was those three words... I am ready.
We got to the hospital, and we prayed before we walked in. It was a moment that stood still for me. I knew we were going in to have a baby - I just didn't know how we would leave. The nurses got me ready and we had a little while to just wait before I was scheduled to go back for surgery. Dr. Waller arrived early so he could pray with Bryant and me and answer any last questions we had. I remember him grabbing my hand, kissing my forehead and saying "let's go have a baby girl." My thoughts were the same...
We had a waiting room full of the most amazing family and friends - all ready to hold us up regardless of what the day brought. I later found out that Dr. Waller went out and prayed with them before he came to the operating room. Amazing man, amazing doctor. I remember getting my spinal and shortly after Henley's sweet daddy entering the room and taking his place by my side. He held my hand and kept his face within inches of mine, telling me that he loved me and was proud of me. Dr. Waller told us earlier that morning that once he started Henley would be out within 10-15 minutes. Those were quite possibly the longest 10 minutes of my life. When we finally heard she was out, they asked Bryant if he wanted to see her - he stood up and all I remember him saying is that she was BEAUTIFUL. I quickly asked if she was crying...it was all I wanted to know, she could have had 4 legs and I still would have thought she was beautiful, but I wanted more than anything to hear her cry. He later told me that she was blue when he saw her -(they wanted the Neonatologist and NICU nurses to do all the care for Henley so they didn't do anything to suction her out). Bryant sat back down, and we waited as they carefully handed her off to her doctors and nurses, and we waited to hear the sound we had longed to hear.
She cried. She cried! SHE CRIED!! In a room full of 18 people, with an oxygen mask on, I heard her...and all I could do was cry too. God was faithful to get me ready for that day...and then He began to just pour out His blessings.
She arrived feisty. I couldn't help but smile as they wheeled her past me on the way to the NICU - all I saw was a head FULL of dark hair (oh the heartburn became all worth it!) and all I could hear was the sweet squeal of a cry. She had taken her first breath and had proved that God holds her little body and breathes life as He chooses. After Dr. Waller had finished, I was sent to recovery. Henley's Neonatologist, Dr. Whittington, came in and told Bryant and I that she was breathing - she was having some trouble and needed some oxygen - but she was breathing! PRAISE THE LORD! He was a fantastic doctor and even more precious man! He wanted all of the family to get to see her - despite the NICU rules of 2 at a time. Bryant left to go be the proud daddy and show the world our little girl...all I could do (besides shake fiercely from the spinal) was pray an endless prayer of thanksgiving. We later found out that Dr. Waller said in all his years of delivering babies it was the easiest c-section he had ever done - he said that normally there is lots of pulling and tugging (which we were concerned would break more of Henley's bones) but she literally slipped out and there were no new fractures. His hands had been held by the GREAT PHYSICIAN... He kept pouring out His blessings.
I finally got to leave recovery and they wheeled my into the NICU on the way to my room. I was in awe, not only of how many wires and cords hung off my baby, but also of the most perfect little girl that lay before me. Her legs were both bent upwards, her arms were swollen around the fractures and she had tube blowing oxygen into her body - but to me she was perfect in every way. She had the thickest, darkest head of hair (that would later that night hold the tiniest pink bow). She had the biggest brown eyes that stared right back into mine. She had the tiniest little body that defied odds. She had the biggest fight of a 5 pound baby I have ever seen. She looked like her daddy and I am afraid to say acted like her momma. The nurses laughed as I told them that I prayed she would be feisty. They quickly said that prayer had been answered!
We lived life with Henley the next 7 days. It was a whirlwind, but it was life nonetheless! We would stay for most of the day and night at her little bed...we would read, sing, pray, talk and just cuddle and love on her little hands/feet and head. She had so many visitors each day, and it was our joy to bring them in the NICU and introduce them to our daughter. We saw God work not only in the life of our daughter but in the life of our family. Bryant and I learned a new meaning to living out our faith - it became easy to talk about God, share our faith and spread the love of God with the people we spent these 8 days with...some we knew, some we didn't.
We have always trusted that God is faithful to answer prayers - it may not look like we prayed it to look, it may not be in our timing or we may never see it answered - but we know He hears and according to His will, He answers. God was so sweet and gracious to let us see so many of our prayers answered over that week, some of which happened in the matter of hours! Because of Henley's fractures and the OI disease, she had extremely hard vein access - Dr. Whittington told us that is was crucial that they get a more permanent IV line in her, and they were having trouble doing so. We left and immediately went back to our room and we got everyone in our room to pray that the sweet nurse practitioner's hands would be guided and that the PICC line would go in...2 hours later we got the call that it had gotten in! Tracey, the nurse practitioner, had tears in her eyes when we went to thank her and told us it was the Lord's hands. The day she was born, she was needing more and more oxygen and they decided that they needed to put her on the vent. Over the next 2 days her settings were being decreased and we daily prayed that she would be able to come off the vent...Friday she came off! She stayed off the vent and went on the C-PAP which gave her oxygen, but allowed her to do more breathing on her own.
God proved that He had created a fighter, when He formed Henley. She fought and she fought hard. With so many broken bones and having to stay on morphine almost around the clock - it was more than her little body could take. We watched as she labored to breathe and it broke our hearts when we saw her grimace with pain. There is no words to describe how hard it is to watch your child hurt with pain, and not be able to do a thing about it. Her CO2 levels kept rising, we think because she was not able to get deep breaths - probably due to the 4-5 broken ribs on each side and the other broken bones. Her levels had really fluctuated and we had to have some tough conversations about what would happen if she had to be put back on the vent. Dr. Bonner had just come on as the doctor for the week - she is the amazing woman of God we had initially met with and fell in love with - and she wanted to make sure that our wishes were being honored. It was a hard conversation to have...with everything in us we wanted to fight and fight hard, but we knew if we had exhausted every mean to help her and she still needed to be on the vent...she would become vent dependent and we would be prolonging what God had willed for her little life. Some of the hardest words I think I will ever hear in my life are - your child is not compatible with life. It hurts. Bad. Bryant and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that we didn't want to hurt her - but having those brown eyes stare at you as you sing a song and a little fragile finger grip your pinky tight - it's hard to let go...
A week after she was born, I had received more of God's blessings. I got to hold my little girl for the first time. Due to her fragile bones, she laid on a pillow, but it was the sweetest moment that I have forever taken for granted...the ability to hold your child. I rocked her and held her for three hours, and those big beautiful brown eyes stayed opened and watched me the whole time. If only I could know what she was thinking or if I could have made sure she understood just how much those three hours meant, and together with her brother, she had made me the happiest momma in the world. In those three hours I felt love like I had never known.
Thursday morning came, and her levels were still all over the place. Dr. Bonner let William come in and see Henley for the first time and it was the first and last time that our family was together...all four of us. There were so many emotions that flooded me when I watched my oldest meet my youngest. My little boy saw his sister - the one he had kissed and hit :) so many times in my tummy. It was the sweetest of moments for me as their mommy. In a matter of seconds I saw him protecting her as she went off to school, I saw them fighting over the last cookie, and I saw them both curled up in their daddy's lap as he prayed over them before bed. God was gracious to allow me to have my family together - even if it were for mere minutes.
Bryant and I had gone to lunch to clear our minds and talk. During that conversation, Bryant talked about how Paul had lived his life. For Paul, to die was gain, and to live was to live under the authority and Lordship of Christ. We talked about how this took on a whole new meaning in our new found life. We had no idea of how close this would become to us as we walked back into the NICU. Our prayer was that we would have wisdom and discernment for every step and decision we had to make with Henley. We prayed that we would know when to keep fighting and when to let go. We met with Dr. Bonner after lunch and it was the meeting we had dreaded. We had exhausted all means...we had to decide to keep fighting or to let go. We were sick and we were hurting. When your flesh says fight and your soul says let her go to her Father...that's where we were. Bryant called our family and our elders at our church - we wanted and were given some amazing biblical counsel.
I remember Bryant singing "It is Well with My Soul" when he got out of the shower that morning...he is always singing something, but for some reason it had been on my mind, and I guess my heart, all day. I thought about that song when we made the decision and told Dr. Bonner that we would do comfort care if she needed to be put on the vent. I feel the need to stop and just tell how amazing Dr. Bonner was for us in these darkest and hardest moments we will ever face as parents. She not only gave us sweet and encouraging words, she gave us advice as a God fearing woman and mother. She held our hands, walked beside us, cried with us, prayed with us and helped us love our little girl all the days of her little life. As we were talking to her, the last blood gas levels came in - 60 is usually when they put them on the vent, 35-45 is where they wanted Henley's to be. Her level came in at 78...I remember Bryant calling out "Father" as my eyes had filled with tears...HE had given us our answer....yet another prayer He answered in His time. We had been given wisdom and discernment - and we knew that our little girl was going to the Kingdom and would soon see Glory!
Next to being chosen to carry Henley for 9 months, the next greatest honor I have, as her mother, was to hold her as she passed. It was the hardest thing I know I will ever do - and yet I can honestly say it was best. To know she left my arms and entered in to her Father's will be something I hold on to for all the days I live. We sang to her, prayed over her, and talked to her just as we had when she came into this world. She was surrounded by her family and the most precious family we have gained in the NICU. Again - He poured out His blessings...in big ways.
We left the hospital that night forever changed. We walked out hand in hand and got into the car, I got in the front seat and there was an empty carseat in the back. It was not the way I wanted to leave - but I am convinced His ways are not our ways. They are far better.
Henley's funeral was one of the most worshipful moments I have ever experienced - it was exactly what we wanted from the moment we found out something was not "normal" with this pregnancy. We wanted Christ to be exhausted, to be Glorified and His people to come to know Him. I remember someone saying to me how sorry they were - as I looked at my baby girl in a casket that is smaller than it should be - I said "it's ok, God is still good." Their reply was "How can you say that?" I was quickly caught off guard, but I have thought about that moment so much in the past 2 weeks. So, how can I say my God is still good?
He is good because He gave me a daughter.
He is good because He gave us 8 days, when we thought we would have none.
He is good because He gave us a little boy as our first child - a joy in the midst of the suffering.
He is good because He brought family and friends to us and through them showed us love, sacrifice and how He provides in all ways.
He is good because He made my marriage to the man of my dreams so much sweeter. He allowed this man to grow to lead our family in the darkest of valleys.
He is good because He allowed us to be in the best care of the most compassionate and caring doctors and nurses.
BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY -
He is good because through Christ dying on the cross - we have life everlasting. We turned from Him, and because of that I saw my daddy and my daughter die in one years time...I saw a hurricane wreck havoc on families this week...I've seen cancer and Osteogensis Imperfecta come into bodies and destroy them...oh the curse! He is good because He is the one that took the punishment of my sin and carried it for me on the cross. He is good because He allows me to have a relationship with Him in eternity when I deserve His wrath and separation for all eternity. He is good because He has promised He will return and make all things new, a new heaven and a new earth. He is good because all He requires is repentance and for His children to believe.
He is good because my daddy is cancer free and my daughter has the most perfect bones.
This has been one of the most incredible journeys we have ever been on. The sweetest of times and the toughest of times. We have learned what it means to have utter dependence on Him. Our hands have been tied in so many tight knots that we couldn't imagine getting them undone to do anything - in the meantime, our sweet Lord has perfectly orchestrated every second of every day with one delicate move of His perfect hands. We can look back over the past several months and see how a portion of the big picture has played out - His handprints are all over it. My precious friend told me one time that it's like we are looking at a parade - we see one float at a time, but He sees the beginning and the end. Praise God He does and I am thankful that we don't! I keep thinking back to the day Henley passed - Dr. Bonner was the doctor on call and stayed the whole time, and our 2 most favorite nurses were the ones that were caring for Henley on her last day...God's handprints all over it!
I want you to know that this has been hard...I cry often and I cry a lot. When I look at pictures that we've hung around our house, or I see the most amazing slideshow that a precious friend took - I sometimes just weep. My heart hurts when someone brings food over and I only can show them pictures of our beautiful daughter. I long to hold her, to bathe her, to put her pink bow back in her hair and sing to her. However, there is an empty cradle and a piece of my heart that will forever be gone.
While I miss her every day - I can't help but to rejoice in what we've been given. In 8 days, Henley accomplished her purpose on earth - she lived to bring Him glory. She brought people to their knees and souls to the Kingdom. She reminded her daddy and I that through our suffering we should be pointed to Christ...and we were.
Bryant and I went to the beach the weekend after her funeral - we needed a chance to rest and a place to clear our minds. I was sitting on the beach when Bryant told me to look up - there was the cutest little girl running in the sand, she was probably around 2. I remember thinking immediately about Henley. I would long to see her play in the sand next summer with William, I would always long to put her hair in pigtails, to pack her lunch in a pink lunchbox, to buy her first doll or even her wedding dress. I would long to have the relationship with her that I have with my mom...
In the midst of those longings - God soothes my soul. He has reminded me she will always be William's sister, she will always be the first granddaughter, she will always be a precious niece, and she will always be our first baby girl...
Yet, she is where we long to be...safe in the arms of the One who knitted her together in the secret places and numbered her days long before the foundation of the world.
Praise be to Him!
We do not choose suffering simply because we are told to,
but because the one who tells us to describes it as the path to everlasting joy.
-John Piper
These are the links to the amazing pictures my sweet friend took on the two most precious days of our lives!
http://candacenelsonphotography.myshowit.com/henleysbirth
http://candacenelsonphotography.myshowit.com/henleyyarbrough
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
