To God be the Glory

I really can't believe it's October. The month of September was fast, and life changing. I wasn't sure if I would make a post, but this blog has become a journal of sorts for me...so I need to write it out...

I need to start out by saying MY God is so GOOD and MY God is still God! I trust in that daily.

A year ago in September my dad woke up with a swollen neck. I remember him calling and telling me that the doctors wanted to biopsy some tumors they found. I was sitting in our church parking lot and I felt sick. Looking back, in the back of my mind I thought it would be cancer. Maybe I was just thinking worse case scenario or maybe God was beginning to prepare me for the road He knew would be ahead.
We went through several biopsies and then eventually surgery, where they found it had metastasized. We embraced that it was cancer and began to fight and fight hard. November came around, and during surgery they removed what they thought was all of the cancer, but the mystery remained of where the cancer orignated from. The diagnosis became known as "cancer of an unknown origin." Dad chose to wait to start radiation until after William was born. 2 weeks after William arrived, Dad and Suzanne flew in and spent a few days with us...memories I will have forever. Dad returned to Dallas in January to go through 2 months of radiation...he would go in on his lunch break and then return back to work...he was a fighter. After radiation was finished, we all felt good...we thought we had the cancer beat. Dad came down with pnemonia was put in the hospital in April, there they noticed 12 nodules on his lung. William and I had gone out to visit right after school got out for summer. He got the call that it was cancer while I was there. My daddy looked at me and said, "well, it is what it is...and we will continue to fight it." Spoken like a true man.

The cancer was inoperable and chemo was going to be the trick. The months of June, July and August were devastating to my daddy's health. He was in and out of the hospital and had set back after set back from chemo and other side effects that the nasty posion produced.

I will stop here and say that I held on to every "new" treatment they gave him, every chemo session, every "new" doctor or plan that was put into place. My hope was in what these doctors and medicine would do for my daddy. My heart was aching at the thought of loosing my dad in my 20's and William not growing up with him....I was selfish...

The first week of Septemeber my Dad took his last chemo treatment. That day he asked his oncologist to give him the truth....praise God that we were finally ready to hear the truth. His doctor told him according to tissue samples he was not responding to chemo. If he continued treatment, it would be a triumphant victory to have a year...if not 3 months tops.

I feel the need to give God glory through this whole process...but He was gracious to show Himself in the timing of EVERYTHING!

My brother and I both flew in the first week of September and we spent a week that will forever rank high on my "best times of my life" list. It was sweet. We helped make some decisions that I never thought I would have to make, and one of those was to stop chemo treatments and enroll with hospice. I asked my dad if I could pray with him that God would give us confidence in the decscions we were making. I will always cherish sitting on the floor holding my daddy's hand, praying to my Father. It was peace and a new hope He gave me...it was no longer a hope in doctors or medicines, but it was a hope in the Great Physician.

Brandon and I spent the week caring for my dad. It was a true honor and joy to sit at his side and walk this with him. We pulled many all nighters to help regulate his meds, but again those were some of the most precious times we had with him. We prayed that week that we would just have this one week where Dad felt good and we were able to have some good days/chats with him. God granted that to us and we soaked up every second. Brandon and I were both able to have conversations with him and tell and hear things that needed to be said. We cried hard, but we loved even harder.

One thing that laid heavy on my heart when I heard Dad's prognosis was I needed to made sure I had shared the Gospel. I needed to know where my dad stood in light of eternity. I am not bold, and for some reason I had always been fearful to talk to my dad about his salvation...I don't know why or if I was scared of his answer...or if it was just Satan hindering me. Bryant and I had been praying from the day we found out it was cancer, that God would use this to bring Him honor and Glory. We prayed that whether God chose to heal him or call him home, we would use this for His Kingdom. Whether anything else comes from my dad's death, God used it to change me, to create in me a boldness and a longing to know and make Him known.

I mentioned earlier how gracious God was with His timing....Dad was even able to spend time with Bryant and William at the end of the week, it brings a smile to my face seeing William sitting in the bed with my dad. William was Pop's little man...

 The following week, his health took a nose dive and by the end of the week he was not responsive. I flew back out the following Monday night, and rubbed my daddy's head as he went to be with his Creator that next morning. That will be a moment I cherish till I take my last breath.

My dad was certain of his eternity. He told me numerous times over the last month that he was ready and knew where he was going...I may have become to bold...I asked several times :) But he would grab my hand, kiss it and answer me sweetly. What a blessing that is to my heart.

I am...I was...and I will always be a daddy's girl. My daddy was something special. We had a relationship that was probably not of the norm...we had become friends. He was fun, he was serious and dedicated, he was an encourager, he loved life and he made sure that I knew he loved me and was proud of me. There aren't many men who would take his daughter on a weekly date of strawberry pie and a hockey game, then the following Saturday take her shopping for make-up. He would stay in malls for hours and hold packages. He would be at any and every performance I would have and be my biggest fan. Whatever I ventured into, he was right behind me...wearing the button or hat! My daddy was an amazing man, a joy in my life.

I am not mad, nor do I ask why me. I trust that my God sees and goes before me, even in the hardest and darkest days. His plan is far better than mine. Don't get me wrong, I am sad....I will and have been missing him and his silly phone calls like crazy. But I am thankful for what God is going to do through his death. Even if I don't see it here.

I don't believe that my dad is now my guardian angel or that he is concerned with whats going on down here in this crazy world...my hope is now that my daddy is with his Father, doing what we are solely created to do...
I imagine my daddy around a throne, singing praises...GLORIFYING our Savior.

Praise be to God for this journey. My prayer is that lives would be called into the kingdom through this season. May we continue to glorify Him in our life and even in our death.